Brian Jokes / Recent Jokes

Smith was a terrible bragger and he was regaling the cricket club with his latest story.

'It's amazing,' he said.' There I was at Lord's, when suddenly about fifty people crowded round me all waving autograph books!'
'Come off it, Smith.'

'It's true. If you don't believe me ask Brian Lara, he was standing right next to me!'

Just keep in mind this was on live radio....
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they call someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship.
If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions (that vary from couple to couple) and asked for their significant other's name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners.
This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First name only please.
Contestant: Brian.
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are "married"? or what?, Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you, Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please,
Brian.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is more...

Two Irishmen, Murphy and Brian grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another. But now, Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends.
He calls, "Brian, come here Brian. I have a request for you."
Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down.
"Brian, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying here. I have one last request for you to do."
Brian bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything you wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's more...

Brian went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Doc, you've gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"My fee is per visit."
"That's awfully expensive, Doc," reckoned Brian. "Let me sleep on it, and I'll get back to you."
Six months later, the doctor and Brian crossed paths. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for free! "
"How do you figure?" asked the psychiatrist.
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

There was this construction worker, Brian, on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. Brian needed a hand saw but was too lazy to go down and get it himself. So he tried to call to his fellow worker, Pat, on the ground to get it for him, but Pat could not hear a word he said. So Brian started to give a sign to Pat so that Pat could understand him.
So first Brian pointed to his eyes (meaning "I"), then pointed at his knees (meaning "need"), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, Pat started shaking his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off.
Brian got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at Pat, "You idiot, I was trying to say,' I need a hand saw!'"
Pat replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that "I'm coming.. . "

In March 1997, Brian Cranshaw, a chemical engineer from West London, returned to the UK after spending the previous six months overseeing work at a petrochemicals plant in Nigeria.

During his first week back, his wife complained that he seemed to have difficulty listening properly. Brian suggested that his ears had not fully recovered from the air pressure changes experienced during his flight.

Over the next two weeks, Brian's condition worsened as he started to feel tickling sensations deep in his ears. Thinking the trouble was caused by loosened ear wax, he attempted to clean his ears with a ballpoint pen.

When he pressed it into his right ear, he heard a cracking sound and saw the pen covered in a yellow goo. He went to his local GP claiming he had punctured his ear drum. The GP reached into Brian's right ear with a pair of tweezers and pulled out what appeared to be an insect antenna.

During the examination Brian was horrified to learn more...

John pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex."It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,""That sounds wonderful," said Brian."Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.""Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw youmaking love to her daughter?""Baaaaaaa."