Britain Jokes / Recent Jokes
This wind-up article appeared recently in an American magazine. It was taken seriously by a lot of people...
MONEY
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
MAKING FRIENDS
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser"- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.
CUSTOMS
Since their Labour government whole heartedly embraced full union with Europe the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or more...
Queen Elizabeth II, George W Bush & Robert Mugabe died & went straight to hell.Queen Elizabeth II said "I miss Britain, I want to call Britain and see how everybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then her Majesty asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "Five million dollars" She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.George Bush was so jealous, he began screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too" He called and talked for about 10 minutes, then he asked "Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied "Ten million dollars" With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.Robert Mugabe was even more jealous & started screaming, "I want to call Zimbabwe, I want to see how everybody is doing there. I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody". He called more...
The following is a verbatim quote of the opening paragraphs of a
(serious) article on the effect that Salman Rushdie's book "The
Satanic Verses" is having on Britain's Muslim community. The article
is by Jack O'Sullivan, and appeared in The Independent, a UK "quality"
national newspaper, on 5 Jan 1990.
A joke going around Bradford concerns two Muslims chatting in a halal
shop. The first says he has decided to take the Government's advice to
integrate and be like the British. "Oh yes," replies his friend. "And
how will you do that?"
"I'm going to take my secretary to Paris for a dirty weekend," the
first man says.
"But you don't have a secretary," the friend points out.
"That doesn't matter," says the first. "I'll take my wife and say
she's my secretary."
A while back, over in Great Britain, a woman complained to the telephone company about her phone. Sometimes, it would not ring when someone called.
The strange part, she said, was that when it did ring, the ring was invariably preceded by her dog barking. So she was convinced she had a broken telephone and a psychic dog.
Now, in Britain, the ring signal is a high-voltage low-ampere current sent from the local office to the phone. The wire which carries this signal is run from the pole to a large metal spike in the yard, which grounds the circuit.
In order to isolate the problem, the phone company sent a repairman out to climb the pole and manually send the signal down the wire. Sure enough, when he did this, nothing happened the first time. The second time, the dog barked just before the phone rang.
Investigation revealed that the dog was chained (with an iron chain) to the spike that grounded the circuit. So this is what was happening: the ground was dry, preventing more...