Bum Jokes / Recent Jokes

A bum asked a man on the street for $2.
"Will you buy booze?" the man asks.
The bum replies, "No."
"Will you gamble it away?"
Once again the bum replies, "No."
"Will you make bets at the golf course?"
The bum replies "No, I don't play golf"
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what
happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble, or play golf?"

> THINGY (thing-ee) n.
> female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
> male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
>
> LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.
> female: A woman who makes love to other women.
> male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.
>
> GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
> female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper
> levels in business.
> male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took
> over
> the office one flight up.
>
> VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
> female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
> male: Playing cricket without a box.
>
> COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
> female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
> male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
> weekend
> with the lads.
>
> BUM (bum) n.
> female: The body part more...

A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems. She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says, " Mister, I'm broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, I'm out of a place to live. I'll bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you can't come up with a reply to." The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead. So she tells him, "six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine." The man scratches his head and says, "your right, I can't top that." and he pays her the five dollars. Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3, 000 more...

There once was a nice lady and she used to pick up bums off the street and bring them to her house. She let the bums shower and sleep at her house and she would even give them something to eat.
One day she brought a bum home. She let him shower and then told him at night he had to sleep in the closet and if the pants hung in his face not to pull them down.
Later that night, after the bum had fallen asleep he woke up with the pants hanging in his face. Disobeying the nice lady, he pulled them down. The next morning the lady was angry to find her pants were no longer hanging, but she gave the bum a second chance.
The following night, at dinner, the bum was instructed to sleep on the floor. He was warned not to bother the cat because the cat bit. He said, "fine." During the night the man was awakened by the cat attacking him, so he shaved it.
In the morning, the nice lady woke up to find her cat hairless. She was pissed. She told the bum to leave. But, he more...

A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these' Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another' Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, more...

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.

He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."

And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! more...