Burglar Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.The burglar froze in place and didn`t move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood."What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman`s quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked."Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38`s!"

The judge was very stern with the woman.
"You are the wife of this man," he said severely. "You knew he was a burglar when you married him?"
"Yes," she replied. "I wasn't getting any younger, and I had tochoose between a burglar and a lawyer."

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot.The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What`s your name?""Clarence," said the bird."That`s a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

A story I'll tell of a burglar boldWho started to rob a house; He opened the window, and then crept inAs quiet as a mouse. He looked around for a place to hide,'Till the folks were all asleep, Then said he, "With their moneyI'll take a quiet sneak." So under the bed the burglar crept; He crept up close to the wall; He didn't know it was an old maid's roomOr he wouldn't have had the gall. He thought of the money that he would steal, As under the bed he lay; But at nine o'clock he saw a sightThat made his hair turn gray. At nine o'clock the old maid came in;"I am so tired," she said; She thought that all was well that nightSo she didn't look under the bed. She took out her teeth and her big glass eye, And the hair from off her head; The burglar, he had forty fitsAs he watched from under the bed. From under the bed the burglar crept, He was a total wreck; The old maid wasn't asleep at allAnd she grabbed him by the neck. She didn't holler, or shout or call, She was as more...

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I`m a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy`s answering machine. If you give me your name and number I`ll... Uh, I`ll post it on the fridge where he`ll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

Heard this on Tom Snyder's show. .. Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Did you say that?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"If you're Clarence," sneered the burglar. "Who is Jesus?"
The parrot said, "The Rottweiller who is watching you."