California Jokes / Recent Jokes

A mother and father were in a brutal custody battle over their young son. The judge, frustrated by their arguing, asks the boy if he wants to live with his mom.
"No, she beats me," the little boy said.
The judge asked if he wanted to live with his dad.
"No, he beats me too."
"Then who do you want to live with, son?"
"I want to live with the Warriors."
"The Golden State Warriors? But why?"
"Because they never beat anybody."

Manny Ramirez is playing his way back into shape with the Triple A Albuquerque Isotopes.He hopes to quickly return to his original atomic weight.

It’s possible that the Dodgers may play the Angels in the World Series. Fans will be searched at the stadium gates for weapons and awful spec scripts.

New study reports "male seals are reaping the benefits of climate change by having more sex."






Scientists also noted a 67% increase in headaches among female seals and a growing sense of exasperation in dealing with more frequent requests to "do that thing where you balance my balls on your nose."

In other news...
Facing falling domestic sales, Hummer announced plans to target new markets. The company will position the H2 as a "mammal magnet" and will be making automatic transmission standard on its new 2007 models.

At Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco, a female seal recently filed a complaint against members of the visiting Duke lacrosse team.

In Kathmandu, Nepal, 50 local women stripped their clothing and plowed their fields naked. The women did this so that the rain god, Varanu (pictured left), would favor them and douse their parched land. Little did they know, that Varanu, is very, very gay.
In other news, San Francisco has reported record rainfall for another year.

Psychologist Campbell Leaper of the University of California Santa Cruz conducted a review of research into the topic spanning from the 1960s to today, and has discovered that men may actually talk more than women.

"It seems the repetition of such phrases as'It's not what you think,''I know where I'm going,''What'd I do this time?''Let me finish,''Can I talk now?' and'For God's sake will you shut up for a second?' can really add up," said Leaper.

A young man, shipwrecked on a small, deserted island, found an old oil lamp sticking out of the sand. He picked it up, and looked at it, thinking, "Wouldn't it be cool if there were a Genie in here?" He knew that Genies did not exist, but figured he had nothing to lose, so he dutifully polished the lamp.
To his amazement, an enormous Genie emerged from the lamp in a cloud of smoke. The Genie announced, "Thank you for freeing me from the lamp. In accord with the customs and principles of my profession, you are entitled to precisely three wishes. Wishes will be granted in accord with the laws of the State of California, and any claims, disputes, or disagreements relating to the wishes shall be resolved by binding arbitration applying California laws."
"That's weird," said the man, "I never thought a Genie would sound so much like a lawyer."
"But I am a lawyer," replied the Genie, "I am both a lawyer and a Genie. You more...