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A ventriloquist was driving through farm country one day when his car breaks down. He walks up to a nearby farm and asks the farmer if he can call a tow truck. The farmer said sure and the call was made. While waiting for the truck to arrive the ventriloquist asks the farmer for a tour. The farmer says sure thing and off they go. The first pen they come to is the pigs. The ventriloquist decides to have a little fun and throws his voice into the pig pen. As they are standing there the guy asks the pig "Pig how does the farmer here treat ya"? the pig replies "Well he feeds me garbage, but that's ok. He may end up eating one day but that's ok too" The farmer looks agast at the pig and says "Well that durn pig has never done that before" The ventriloquist smiles. The next pen they come to is the Horse stable. The Guy turns to the horse and asks "Mr. Horse, how is your life around this farm"? The horse says "Well he hooks me up to a plow and more...

What do you call a bad popcorn Joke?
Answer: Corny
What do you call the bottom of a boat made from popcorn?
Answer: A hull
Did you hear about the popcorn that joined the army?
They made him a kernel.
What do you call a pathway in a popcorn corn field?
Answer: Cobblestone.
What do you call fat popcorn?
Answer: Husky.
What did one popcorn say to the other?
Answer: I'm cold, hand me some Stockings.
What do you get when you cross a popcorn with an ice cream? Answer: Popsicle
What do you call a field of passion popcorn?
Answer: A-maize-ing.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said...
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!"

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of' Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is more...

Q. What do you call a paki on the moon?
A. A problem.
Q. What do you call ten paki's on the moon?
A. A bit bigger problem.
Q. What do you call a hundred paki's on the moon?
A. A pretty big problem.
Q. What do you call a thousand paki's on the moon?
A. A very large problem.
Q. What do you call all the paki's on the moon?
A. A problem solved.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub more...

Always walk with a document in your hands:
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. Those with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make certain you carry loads of stuff home with you at night. This will generate the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
Use computers to look busy:
Any time you use a computer, it looks like 'work' to the casual observer. You can send/receive personal email, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These are not exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they aren't bad either. When you get caught by the boss, and you *will* get caught, your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable more...