Cancer Jokes / Recent Jokes

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk. PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) - You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general loser. ARIES (Mar21-Apr 20) - You are the pioneer type and think most people are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick. TAURUS (Apr 21-May 20) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a communist. GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are more...

Aries

The Ram. Their farts are "Built Ram Tough". They may feel like Curly-Qs coming out of their asses because their farts mimic the curves of a ram's horns. They, the farts, sometimes like to butt heads with other farts. Since people born under the sign of Aries show strong leadership and like to get things started, they are always the first ones to fart while around other people. Their farts tend to be loud since they are energetic. Do you like to hear robust farts? Too shy to be the first one to fart? Get with an Aries.

Taurus

The Bull. Their farts can be very stubborn, and once released, they can stink up a space with power for very long periods of time-longer than average. Their farts just don't want to go away. Their farts can even be kinda sharp and hurt their *******s when they come out, because they are big and mimic the sharp horns of the bull. Since Taurus people love sensual pleasures, they must take care not to over-indulge and more...

This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face:
Doctor: "Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news".
Guy: "Well, give me the really bad news first"
Doctor: "You have cancer, and only 6 months to live"
Guy: "And the bad news?"
Doctor: "You have Alzheimer's disease."
Guy: "Thank god. I was afraid I had cancer!"

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and more...

For Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Late Show host and boss David Letterman will encourage employees to wear pink ribbons, participate in a fundraiser walk, and get free breast exams given by Letterman himself.

ARIES
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
TAURUS
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Taurus people have BO.
GEMINI
You are a quick and intellectual thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap.
CANCER
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most Welfare recipients are Cancer people.
LEO
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
VIRGO
You are the logical type and more...

A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill.
The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer.
The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it's our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends and told them he was dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turned to his father and said, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from. It is cancer. Why did you lie to those men?" The father replied: "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys sleeping with your mom when I'm gone."