Candy Jokes / Recent Jokes

M&M's: The Theory of EvolutionWhenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.To this end, I hold M&M duels.Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.When I reach the end of the more...

Little johnny was going to school.
Incredibly he found a genie and was given 3 wishes.
"Can I have a piece of candy?" he said.
"Kid, I am a powerful genie ask for something else."
"Mmmm, ok, give me 2 pieces of candy."
"You think I have time for such small wishes? Don't ask for something so small."
"I want candy."
"Ok kid here you go; infinite candy."
"Cool, thank you."
"Ok whats your second wish? Kid, i don't have all day."
"But I still have 3 wishes.."

On a special teachers day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florists son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!""Thats right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?""Just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy store owners daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!""Thats right! But how did you know?" asked the girl."Just a lucky guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the liquor store owners son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked."No," the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she more...

I don't eat snails... I prefer FAST food!Anyone who uses the phrase' easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby.It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do.By the time we realize our parents were right, we have children who think we're wrong.I have claustrophobia combined with fear of success, so I completely fell apart when I did a really good job painting the inside of my closet. - Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest)

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, little johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it." Is it wine?" she asked." No," little johnny answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue." Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," he answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" Little johnny replied, "A puppy!"

M&M's: The Theory of EvolutionWhenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of more...

You might be a redneck if you eat cotton candy more than three times a week.