Car Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was an older man who`d married a younger woman. All was going well... except in the bedroom. He couldn`t last long enough to satisfy her. She said it didn`t matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and asked for help.
The doctor said "Well, there`s one easy solution. Before you have intercourse with your wife, satisfy yourself first, that way you`ll last longer when you`re with her."
The next day the man gets a call from his wife while he`s at work. In a husky voice she tells him "I`m going to ravish you when you get home tonight. We`re going to have a mammoth sex session."
The man can`t concentrate on work for the rest of the day and finally 5: 30 comes round and he`s the first out of the office, eager to get back to his wife.
While driving he remembers his doctor`s advice. So he pulls over onto a quiet road. But he can`t just sit there in his car having a wank, so he decides he`ll lie under the car and pretend more...

An Irishman stumbles out of a bar and is spied by a Constable.
The Constable approches...
C: Can I help ya lad?
I: Yea, SSSSomebody ssstol my car!
C: Well, wheer was ya car last time ya saw it?
I: It twas at the end of tiss key! (he held up a key already in his hand) At this time the constable notices the Irishman has his manhood out.
C: Hey, Ar ya aware ya expoosing yaself?
I: Ohh God, They got me girl too!

How did the blonde try to kill the bird... she threw it off of a cliff. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves... she fell out of the tree. How did the blonde die, drinking milk... the cow stepped on her. How did the blonde burn her nose... bobbing for french fries. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month... the instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds". Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops... so they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus. Why do men like blonde jokes... it is one thing they can understand. Why do blondes like lightning... they think someone is taking their picture. Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces... from eating with forks. Why do blondes have more fun... they are easier to keep amused. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on both sides... an interpreter. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer... frosted flakes. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a more...

Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamberpot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car. As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."

One day, I hopped into a taxi and took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly, a black car, jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed the brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches!

The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. I mean, was really friendly.

So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call,' The Law of the Garbage Truck'

He explained, "Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. NEVER take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on with the routine life." more...

Most accidents happen at home!
And the men have to eat them.

I think it was in Britain where a billboard advertising a car read:
"If this car was a woman, she'd get pinched in the butt."

Underneath which a graffiti read:
"If this woman was a car, she'd run you over."

A young boy had justgotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut,
then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied,"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"