Car Jokes / Recent Jokes
Blonde and a Psychiatrist
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
"I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh. .. How's that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places. 9. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel. 8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped. 7. The 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days. 6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?" 5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club." 4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt. 3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway. 2. You keep losing dates on left turns. 1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
What Women Want in Men
Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. more...
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle more...
A blonde meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blonde replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was SO RELIEVED when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500, 000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a Moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, " What kind of car ya'got there, sonny?".
The young man replies, " A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
" That's a lot of money," says the old man. " Why does it cost so much?"
" Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, " Mind if I take a look inside?"
" No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped! more...
This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment: APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT NAME: Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO more...