Card Jokes / Recent Jokes

Hallmark Card: "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

(Order): Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
(Chaos): I am here, but my opposite is you.
(Order): Huh?
(Evil): Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
(Truth): My opposite is not here.
(Good): Is your opposite "Lies"?
(Truth): My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
(Evil): )snicker( Figures!
(Order): Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
(Evil): Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
(Good): I have the cards.
(Evil): I've got the chips.
(Truth): I have the beer.
(Chaos): I have the cards!
(Order): Shut up.
...
(Order): Whose deal is it?
(Evil): Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
(Truth): It is Good's deal.
(Good): OK, five card draw... uh, everything is wild.
(Evil): How can anyone win if everything is wild?
(Good): No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
(Order): I like this game.
(Evil): more...

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:
Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 208-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man responded, 'Ten pounds.'
The voice replied, 'Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'.
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing more...

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:Lose weightOnly $1.00 a poundCall (202) 208-0238The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man responded, 'Ten pounds.'The voice replied, 'Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'.About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When more...

A reception was held in New Delhi. One of the guests, Home Minister Buta Singh loses his invitation card. He arrrives and explains who he is to the guard at the door.
"But how do I know who you are?" asks the guard. "An hour ago, Ravi Shanker came without his invitation card, 1 gave him a sitar and he played a beautiful raag. And half an hour ago, Mani Shanker came without his invitation card, I asked him to name all the recipients of Bofors kickbacks, and he named them all."
"Who is this Ravi Shanker and Mani Shanker?" "Say no more," says the guard, "you are Buta Singh."

A guy got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.

Next month he got another, did the same thing. The next month they sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his credit card if he didn't send them $0.00.

He called them, talked to them, they said it was "a glitch" and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month he tried to charge something and couldn't. He called the credit card company who again said they'd take care of it. The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent.

The man figured the credit card company would take care of it, so he didn't worry. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay or his account was going to collection.

He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit card company's computer processed it, noting that his account was now paid in full.

A more...

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world
in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet,
Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the
Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:
Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the
other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man
responded, 'Ten pounds.'
The voice replied, 'Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll
have a representative over to your house in the morning.'.
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There
stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign
around her neck stating, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas,
through the kitchen, all around the more...