Cards Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses." The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an' ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods." "Really?" "Yes sir... they're called bullets!"

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get' em next time," would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."

9. Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."

10. Tanks would be far more...

Why didn't the dog play cards on his ocean cruise? Because the captain stood on the deck.

REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
1. So your Daughters a hooker and it spoiled your day... look on the bright side, she's a really good lay.
2. My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.
3. You had your Bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends.
4. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I felt real snippy.
5. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
6. You totaled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry

Rejected Hallmark Cards:
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.
You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.
Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
Your computer is dead... it was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows 95?
You totalled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?

Rejected Hallmark Cards:So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.Your computer is dead... it was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows 95? You totalled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call
to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to
"I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle,
you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked
for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of
your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an more...