Cards Jokes / Recent Jokes

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme." Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and more...

Q. Why couldn't the pirate play cards? A. Because he was sitting on the deck!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me, I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved more...

"Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming.
"I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, more...

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance. "This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Chorus: The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree.
The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Husband (2): Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated man (4): Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Five months of bills,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated wife (6): Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
3: more...