Cards Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table.
This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog.
Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.
However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player.
Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"
The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.""No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D more...
At the card shop:
A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said,' So, what did you bring?' The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the' Grandma Moses of Jail'. Then he asked the first,' What did you bring?' The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said,' I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.' The third convict, who was a Vol fan, was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked,' Why are you so smug? What did you bring?' The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said' I brought these.' The other two were puzzled and asked -' What can you do with those?' He grinned and pointed to the box and said -' Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating....'
Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
I am here, but my opposite is you.
Huh?
Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
My opposite is not here.
Is your opposite "Lies"?
My opposite is "Void." He couldn't make it.
>snicker< Figures!
Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
I have the cards.
I've got the chips.
I have the beer.
I have the cards!
Shut up.
...
Whose deal is it?
Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
It is Good's deal.
OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
How can anyone win if everything is wild?
No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
I like this game.
This is pointless.
It is time to deal.
Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
Five.
Five and raise you five.
Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
I like ten more...