Cards Jokes / Recent Jokes
It is the worst of times. It is the best of times.
The Christmas you have depends upon you.
May you be blessed to follow the Light and choose the right.
A Christmas Poem
C is for Credit Cards that make buying a breeze.
H is for your Headache when your cards are seized.
R is for Remembering everyone on your list.
I is for feeling Insulted when your gifts are dissed.
S is for feeling Stressed when you’re on the fly.
T is for the Truckloads of presents that you buy.
M is for your Massive debt that soars into the sky.
A is for the Awful feeling that you’ve gone astray.
S is for your Sorrow and the tears you’ll shed today.
The True Christmas Poem
C is for the Christ child lying in a manager.
H is for the Holy One who saved us all from danger.
R is to Remember Him who died that we may live.
I is to Inspire us that we may always give.
S is for joyful Songs and sacred hymns that praise.
T is more...
An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.
The old man looks at his son and asks...
"Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?"
The man curls his eyebrows and asks "huh?"
The old man gets up and says "wait right here."
About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.
The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:
" Ok, here's how it works...
If the boy grabs the beer he's gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards he's gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the bible he's gonna be a preacher."
The baby stares at the items for a moment.
He then reaches out and grabs all three items.
The old man shouts...
"HOT DANG SON - HE'S A DEMOCRAT!"
An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.The old man looks at his son and asks..."Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?"The man curls his eyebrows and asks "huh?"The old man gets up and says "wait right here."About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:" Ok, here's how it works...If the boy grabs the beer he's gonna be a drunk.If he grabs the cards he's gonna be a gambler.If he grabs the bible he's gonna be a preacher."The baby stares at the items for a moment.He then reaches out and grabs all three items.The old man shouts..."HOT DANG SON - HE'S A DEMOCRAT!"
Cards That You Won't Find At Hallmark -
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get more...
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a' cheers for the sex would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
5. The only show opposite' Monday Night Football' would be' Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.'
6. Instead of' beer-belly,' you'd get' beer-biceps.'
7. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
8. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.
9. When the Police pull you over, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. Example - Cop:' You know how fast you were going?' You:' All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.' Cop: Nice one, that's $20 off.'
10. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
11. Every more...
Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets. "The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep."
"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars."
"Had to," he replied, "Caught him using marked cards!"