Cards Jokes / Recent Jokes

Here's a joke I "appropriated" from an old TV show:
Police: Mr. Johnson, we have just arrested a thief carrying several
credit cards with Mrs. Johnson's name on them.
Mr. Johnson: Tell the thief he can keep them.
Police: But don't you want your credit cards back?
Mr. Johnson: No. He's been spending only about half as much as
Mrs. Johnson.

These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards:
1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

A really promiscuous girl is one you can have a good time with even if you play your cards wrong.

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson. The old man looks at his son and asks..."Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?" The man curls his eyebrows and asks "huh?" The old man gets up and says "wait right here." About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible. The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:" Ok, here's how it works... If the boy grabs the beer he's gonna be a drunk. If he grabs the cards he's gonna be a gambler. If he grabs the bible he's gonna be a preacher." The baby stares at the items for a moment. He then reaches out and grabs all three items. The old man shouts..."HOT DANG SON - HE'S A DEMOCRAT!"

Why can't you play cards in the jungle? Because there are too many cheetahs!

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go more...

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any' Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"