Cards Jokes / Recent Jokes
The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING,
the woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS.
The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
the woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
the woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
the woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.
The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
the woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
the woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
The man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX,
the woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES.
The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
the woman discovered MONEY and that's when it all got f#@$ed up.
A Tale of Two Christmases
by Jim Smith
It is the worst of times. It is the best of times.
The Christmas you have depends upon you.
May you be blessed to follow the Light and choose the right.
A Christmas Poem
C is for Credit Cards that make buying a breeze.
H is for your Headache when your cards are seized.
R is for Remembering everyone on your list.
I is for feeling Insulted when your gifts are dissed.
S is for feeling Stressed when you’re on the fly.
T is for the Truckloads of presents that you buy.
M is for your Massive debt that soars into the sky.
A is for the Awful feeling that you’ve gone astray.
S is for your Sorrow and the tears you’ll shed today.
The True Christmas Poem
C is for the Christ child lying in a manager.
H is for the Holy One who saved us all from danger.
R is to Remember Him who died that we may live.
I is to Inspire us that we may always give.
S is for more...
Men are like a pack of Cards:
A "heart" to love them
A "diamond" to marry them
A "club" to smack them and
A "spade" to bury the body...
11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the more...
A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an' ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."
"Really?"
"Yes sir. They're called darts."
Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you more...
* Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
* Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
* Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
* If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
* Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
* Birth control would come in ale or lager.
* You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "The Lone Ranger."
* Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
* The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
* "Sorry I'm late, but I was out getting wasted last night" would be an acceptable more...