Career Jokes / Recent Jokes

The family picture is on His desk - Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on Her desk - Um, her family will come before her career.
His desk is cluttered - He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
Her desk is cluttered - She's obviously a disorganized scatterbrain.
He is talking with his co-workers - He must be discussing the latest deal.
She is talking with her co-workers - She must be gossiping.
He's not in the office - He's meeting a customer.
She's not in the office - She must be out shopping.
He's having lunch with the boss - He's on his way up.
She's having lunch with the boss - They must be having an affair.
The boss criticized Him - He'll improve his performance.
The boss criticized Her - She'll be very upset.
He got an unfair deal - Did he get angry?
She got an unfair deal - Did she cry?
He's getting married - He'll get more settled.
She's getting married - She'll get pregnant more...

It's career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parent would do if they were here today.
Little Rodney stands up and says, "My father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T-A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook".
"Good Rodney" says the teacher, "how about you, Jimmy?'"
Jimmy stands up and stammers, "My father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no... L-E-C-K-... no..."
The teacher interrupts, "Never mind Jimmy, sit down, how about you Johnny?"
Johnny stands up and says, "My dad's a bookie, that's B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he'd give you ten to one odds that there's no way Jimmy's ever gonna spell electrician!"

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I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

It was Christmas and David Beckham had just lost his
career in English Football Squad, been sacked from Manchester United and had been dumped up Victora Beckham (his wife)
He was about to commit sucide when all of a sudden he heard a jingle and a "ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!"
He stopped and looked around and he saw Santa Claus pull up to him on his Sleigh.
Santa said "David what are you doing?"
David replied "I've just lost my
career in the English Football Squad, been sacked from Manchester United and had been dumped up wife.
So I am about to commit sucide of this cliff."
Santa replied "well David as you know I am Santa Claus and I can grant you any 3 wishes you want, but first you must do me a favour"
He instructed David to pull down his pants and bent over while Santa did his business.
Over that David pulled up his trousers and said "Santa these are my 3 wishes, can you get me back into more...

Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?" His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for $1. 87?" The first spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1. 80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do" he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!"

The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone, the first drunk whips the sausage out and the second starts sucking on it. "What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the two run out laughing. more...

Barbie's Letter To Santa:



Dear Santa,



Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!



There had better be some change around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1999, Santa.



1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?



2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap more...