Carol Jokes / Recent Jokes

IF DR SEUSS WROTE AN EPISODE OF ER - -
Kerry: Now Mark, I think this ER's great,
But... there are problems that can't wait!
Now Benton's fine, and Carter too,
But Ross and Susan just won't do!
Now who do you think that we should hire,
Since both of them today I'll fire?
Mark: Kerry, maybe we should wait and see...
Kerry: That's great Mark! I knew you would agree...
Jerry: Dr. Weaver? Sorry to interrupt...
But the paramedics just pulled up.
Mark: Ok, I'm here. What have you got?
Shep: This little boy has just been shot!
His pulse is faint, his breath is weak.
We did all we could to stop the leak.
Riley: And this woman here, she has a broken hip...
Carol: How did she fall? How did she trip?
Shep: The kid's mom was getting in my hair,
So I shoved her-lightly-down some stairs.
Mark: Benton, Kerry! Take the mom to three!
Doug and Susan! Come with me!
Riley: But wait, but wait! Oh don't you see?
We've more...

Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species
Fa la la la la, la la la la
' Tis the season to be self-actualizing,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la
See the blazing log of non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday-non-endangered wood before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global warming,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Fast away the mature year passes
Fa la la la la la la la la
Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons
Fa la la la la la la la la
Dance in a non-hierarchical more...

Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species
Fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be self-actualizing,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la
See the blazing log of non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday-non-endangered wood before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global warming,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Fast away the mature year passes
Fa la la la la la la la la
Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons
Fa la la la la la la la la
Dance in a non-hierarchical manner in merry more...

My fiancee who is slightly twisted (obvious from her help on the last carol I posted) came up with this earlier this year. Deck the halls with gasoline.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Light a match and watch them gleam.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Watch the school burn down to ashes.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Aren't you glad you played with matches.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
See the blazing school before us.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Shoot the band and hang the chorus.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Toast professors like marshmellows.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Aren't they such delicious fellows.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.

I'm Carol Hartsell, registered voter, and I have decided that you are gay. Stop trying to hide it, you gay, gay, gay person.

While this may have come as a shock to you (although it shouldn't have) you will be happy to learn that even though I outed you, I strongly support your rights and your choices.

You are gay. And I believe in you.

xoxo,
Carol

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's theproblem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again." "Well, uh, yes, it is." replied Carol. "I was stupid and made myhomework paper into a paper airplane." "Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said theteacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand itin." "Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked."

A Sort Of Christmas Carol
(To the tune of Silver Bells)
Jingle bell, it's not so swell when you can't afford a gift.
Shopping malls are hollow halls, I'm shopping at the Thrift.
See the pawnshops, hear the teeth crunch, in nightmarish anxiety.
In the air there's a feeling of hopelessness.
Checks were cashing, then were dashing, off to spend, it's so obscene.
Hoping for more overtime.
Jingle Bell, what is that smell, oh, it's Hillary's toe.
Ringaling, is a circus thing, and were all part of the show.
People bitching, salesman pitching, there's no reason to smile.
For this I parked and had to walk a mile.
Dodge shopping carts at Wal-Marts, filled with Japanese trash.
In the Express Line price-checks and no cash.
Jingle Bell, can go to hell, Do not give to the poor.
For if you do, soon you'll need it too, and there won't be anymore.