Carpet Jokes / Recent Jokes

15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins: 1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help. 2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs. 5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7. Tuesday at 4: 00 p. m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9. Thursday at 5: 00 p. m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study. 10. This being more...

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.' 'No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.' 'Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes.' 'I found them in the hallway.''' 'Now,'' she said,' 'if only I could find my parakeet.''

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food. Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food. 2. I will not jump on the [xxx]. kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5: 30 A. M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night. 3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx]. sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires. 4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx]. floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen more...

Dear Santa:
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last more...

When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.

Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all.

Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet... idiot.

How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now more...

Tips to help you prepare for your new house mate...1. Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.2. Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.3. Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.4. Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to marinate.5. Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so that when they steal, it won't be the whole breast.6. Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.7. Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that's where the cat will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).8. Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program more...

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."