Carpet Jokes / Recent Jokes

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.' 'Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes.' 'I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said,' 'if only I could find my parakeet.''

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by Banta, carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning", said Banta. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, Banta wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!", he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

CAT MIRACLE DIET: Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!

Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than. 75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your more...

A little old lady answered her door only to be confronted by a young vacuum cleaner salesman.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money," and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door. "Don't be too hasty," he said, "not until you've seen my demonstration."
With that he emptied a bucket of dirt onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this dirt from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you're hungry, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil."

An old lady was shopping in a carpet store and stopped at one she particularly liked. Bending over to feel the texture of it, she let out a fart.
As she stood up, she noticed a salesman standing behind her. "How much is this carpet?" she asked him.
"Well, lady," he replied, "if just touching it made you fart, you're going to shit your pants when you hear the price."

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food.Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.2. I will not jump on the [xxx].kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, more...