Catholic Jokes / Recent Jokes

Addressing the Catholic school class, the nun asked, "Is it wrong to have sex before you're married?"
Promiscuous Polly piped up, "Only if you're late for the ceremony."

By Hank Vorjes
VATICAN CITY (AP) - In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT more...

Did you hear about the new Catholic edition of Playboy?
It's got the same centerfold as the regular edition, but you have to pull it out at just the right moment.

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under th e O, 72.. . "

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace." The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?" So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

One day there were 10 would-be Catholic priests, going through the tests that would make them ministers. The final test required them to all strip butt-naked and standin a row with little bells attached to their ding-dongs, facing a beautiful naked woman. Well, lo and behold one of the bells went off, but when it did, it fell to the ground. As soon as its owner bent over to pick it up, all the 9 remaining bells sounded at once. Yup. Nine more ordained priests added to the Catholic Church.

Three men meet up on the deck of the rapidly sinking Titanic, a Lawyer, a Catholic Priest and a Social Worker. They notice that there are only three seats left on the last lifeboat and there are three children standing nearby. Social worker - "We should give these seats to the children". Lawyer - "Dont be stupid, fuck the children!" Catholic priest - "Do you really think we've got time"?