Catholic Jokes / Recent Jokes
Four old college friends were having coffee. The first, a Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic lady says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
So she replies, "My son is 6' 6".. he has plenty of money... broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body... tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."
A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began to be much in the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein, "Tell me, Becky, have you heard by chance what's going on in Rome?" "No," said Mrs Finkelstein. "I haven't. What's going on in Rome?" "A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other things, decided that the Jews are not responsible for the crucifixion of Jesus." Mrs Finkelstein raised her eyebrows. "Indeed? And who is responsible, then?" "I'm not sure," said Mrs. Moskowitz. "I think they suspect the Puerto Ricans."
Three men, a Jewish man, a Catholic man, and a Mormon man, were
having drinks at the bar following a business meeting.The Jewish man, bragging about his virility, said, "I have four
sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."The Catholic man pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,
"That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons. One more and I'll have a
football team."To which the Mormon man replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I
have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.' God,' he prayed,' I really want a car.' Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.' God,' he prayed again,' I really NEED a car.' Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.' Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again,' if you ever want to see your mother again...'
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts more...
(This is an irish joke with a twist. Told to me by my father-in-law.)
There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.
When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with the aim of
taking in this new culture. After he's been walking for a while someone rushes
up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.
The person says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or Protestant?"
The American thinks to himself "Great-if I say I'm Catholic, this guy is sure
to be Protestant. If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be Catholic. Either way
I'm dead." Then he has a brain wave and says to the Guy, "actually I'm Jewish."
This, he thinks to himself, will surely keep him safe.
The guy behind him then replies "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland."