Catholic Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathersaround. " A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of anykind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of at least eighty years of age.
" Mr. Policeman," says the man, " I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay.
He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice: " B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

The hospital visitor
Moishe was in hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room.
She said she was there to cheer up the sick.
They started talking and she soon asked about his life. Moishe talks about his wife, Freda and his 11 children.
“Well, well” the nun says, “11 children, a good and proper Catholic family. I’m sure that G-d is very, very proud of you.”
“I’m sorry”, says Moishe, “I’m not Catholic, I’m Jewish.”
“Jewish!”, she screams, “You’re a sex maniac.” Answer to #262 puzzle is: (nothing)

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

1. How to get rid of nuclear waste:
Sending nuclear waste into the sun is expensive, because of the amount of
energy expended in getting it out of Earth's gravity well, which is most
probably more energy than was obtained from the fuel in the first place.
The best way to get rid of nuclear waste is to put it on the government
surplus list. People will bid on anything if they think they are getting
a good deal. And as for the damage it will cause, frankly do you really
care what happens to people stupid enough to buy something that is clearly
marked "Hazardous Nuclear Waste?"
2. How to fund private space concerns:
This is a twofold problem: first the difficulty with Congress, and second
the lack of funding. Both these problems can be solved in one simple
manner. Make slavery legal again. All the work on the Constitution has
already been done; you merely need repeal the Emancipation Proclamation.
Now, since congressmen more...

The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St. Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me. .."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church. .."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church. .. Never heard of it. .. Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of. .. Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that more...

According to BBC News, Nicole Kidman didn't need an annulment from Tom Cruise in order to marry Keith Urban in a Catholic Church-since Kidman and Cruise were wed in a Scientology ceremony, they were not officially married by Catholic Church standards.
Other couples not married by Catholic Church standards include:

Joseph and Hadassah Lieberman,
Osama Bin Laden and his wives Fatima, Barakah, and Ghuynda,
Sir Elton John and David Furnish,
Genghis and Mrs. Khan,
and panda bears Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing.

Abe and Moishe had a religious goods store on Delancey Street on the Lower East Side of NYC. The neighborhood was changing. The Jews were moving to Westchester and the Puerto Ricans were moving in."Abe, we have to move to Westchester," said Moishe."We can't. This neighborhood is our life. We've been here for 33 years. Maybe we can start stocking Catholic articles too.""What? Catholic articles? Bis du in gantzen meshuggeh? We're Jews. No Catholic articles!"Well, a month passed and they sold nothing but two tallesim, three mezzuzahs and one set of tefillin. Now was the time to fish or cut bait.Moishe agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so he said to Abe, "OK, call that Catholic supply house on Park Avenue."Abe: "Hello, Catholic supply house on Park Avenue? This is Abe and Moishe's on Delancey Street. We want 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 of those beads - what you call them, Rosaries? - and 500 crucifixes...and I need more...