Catholic Jokes / Recent Jokes

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
A: Erection day.

This was told to me by Father George Alderson, of the RCC.
There was a nun doing charity work in a large metropolitan hospital.
As she was walking by the nursery, she encountered a man looking through
the window at a newborn.
"Is that your child?" said the nun.
"Why, yes, it is sister. She was born this morning," said the man.
"Are you Catholic, young man?"
"Yes, sister."
"How many children do you have?"
"This is our twelfth child. We are hoping for more."
"Your twelfth child! How magnificent. God has truly blessed you. I shall
remember you in my prayers."
"Thank you sister," said the man.
Later that same day, the nun encountered another man at the nursery.
"Is that your child, young man."
"Yes, sister, it is. I am very proud of her."
"Are you Catholic, young man?"
"No sister, I am more...

Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone." The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman. Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic ChurchVATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates."We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."Through the more...

Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man "Don`t jump! Think of your father" Man replies "Haven`t got a father; I`m going to jump." The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven`t got one; going to jump." Desperate the cop yells up "Don`t jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin" Man replies "Who is that?" Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You`re blocking traffic!"

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72.. . "