Catholic Jokes / Recent Jokes
A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up. Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute." "What did you say?!" asks the nun, totally shocked. "I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats. "Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said `a Protestant!`"
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What`s your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That`s a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."
A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.'God,' he prayed,' I really want a car.'Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.'God,' he prayed again,' I really NEED a car.'Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again,' if you ever want to see your mother again...'
A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says "This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden, and a library full of books." The priest says, "Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!" St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge 200-room castle on one of the mountains, and a wishing well that makes wishes come true. St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, more...
Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the Pope himself summoned the priest to Rome for an audience. "Father," said the Pope, "I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. You`re not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you`ll never so much as mention the British in public again." "But Your Holiness, I - I - " the priest stammered. "No buts," said the Pope. "Swear it here and now or there`ll be trouble!" "Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it." The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon. He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of you shall betray Me." The priest continues: "Saint Andrew more...
An elderly man bursts into a priest`s study and says, " I`ve got to tell you this. I`m 90 years old and for the seventy years I`ve been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then --wow!" "How long has it been since your last Confession? " asks the priest. "I`ve never been to Confession. I`m Jewish" "Then why are you telling me this?" "I`m telling everyone!"
Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he`s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he`s ever had. After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, "Hello, I`m Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis." "I`m very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I`ve ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I`m the fish friar." Father turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...." "Yes, I`m afraid I`m the chip monk..."