Catholic Jokes / Recent Jokes

Little Jason was getting terrible grades in school. His parents decided to send him to a new school with the hopes that things would improve. Still he got bad grades. They sent him to several different schools, all with the same results, bad grades. As a last resort, they decided to send him to a catholic school.
The first day Jason came home, he rushed to his room and did his homework. This continued every day until report cards came out and Jason's parents were thrilled to see that he had straight A's. As proud as they were, they were curious to find out how come there was such an improvement in his grades since going to the catholic school.
"Well," Jason told them, "when I walked in the first day and looked up and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, something told me they meant business."

Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession. He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic." The priest said, "But that`s not a sin! I wouldn`t feel bad about that if I were you!" "But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed." The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn`t the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don`t worry about it too much; God forgives." The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by
a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?”The priests say, “Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us.”The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to
ride on a motorcycle.”

Q. Why can`t Anglicans play chess? A. Because they can`t tell a Bishop from a Queen.

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72.. . "

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law."

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic.

We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus more...