Cats Jokes / Recent Jokes

It is reported that the following part of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have more...

Q: What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? A: A duck filled fatty puss! Q: What kind of cat should you take into the desert? A: A first aid kitty! Q: Why do cats chase birds? A: For a lark! Q: What do cats read in the morning? A: Mewspapers! Q: WhWork jokess in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws? A: An acrocat! Q: What do you call a cat wearing shoes? A: Puss in boots! Q: Why did the cat frown when she passed the hen house? A: Because she heard fowl language! Q: There were four cats in a boat, one jumped out. How many were left? A: None. They were all copy cats!

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines fromKansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out thewindow, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs havebaby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planeshave baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of ananswer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boyasked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and bigcats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said that she had. She then said, "Tell your motherthat Southwest always pulls out on time."

* Cats rule. Dogs drool.

* Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they're horny.

* Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.

* In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner's choking on saliva during morning wake-up licks.

* Cats always land on their feet. Dogs won't even let you throw them.

* Cats let you kick them when you're stressed out.

* Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.

* Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs crash right in front of the screen.

* No one has ever had to "Beware of the Cat."

* Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others'.

* Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.

* Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay the car.

* Why do you think they call it "Dog Breath?"

* Garfield. Odie. Enough said.

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof distain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly more...

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalog.
How you get down from an elephant?
You don't, you get down from ducks.
What city has the largest rodent population?
Hamsterdam.
What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates?
"Well done."
What did one cloned sheep say to the other?
"I am ewe."
What did one magnet say to the other magnet?
"I find you very attractive."
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
What did one potato chip say to the other?
Shall we go for a dip?
What did the painter say to the wall?
"One more crack and I'll plaster you!"
What do cats like on a hot day?
A mice cream cone.
What do cats like on their hot dogs?
Mouse-tard.
What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog.
How you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from ducks.
What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam.
What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates? "Well done."
What did one cloned sheep say to the other? "I am ewe."
What did one magnet say to the other magnet? "I find you very attractive."
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
What did one potato chip say to the other? Shall we go for a dip?
What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"
What do cats like on a hot day? A mice cream cone.
What do cats like on their hot dogs? Mouse-tard.
What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.