Celebrity Jokes / Recent Jokes

Celebrity Answering Machine
I believe there is a strong link between an individual's answering machine message and his personality. To test this theory, I called the machines of several celebrities. Here is what I heard:
CLINT EASTWOOD: "This is a semi-automatic, cassette-loading, six-beep answering machine. At a range of three feet it can blow your eardrum away. You're probably wondering if it's got one beep left or if I've used my six. Go ahead and talk if you feel lucky. Well, do you, PUNK?"
BARBARA WALTERS: "At the sound of the tone please tell me if you could be an answering machine, what brand would you choose to be? I would also like to know if you and your spouse sleep in the same bed together. Whatever your answer is, please be wise, be good to us."
LARRY FLYNT: "&%$#*&!!! You make me so %#$&$# sick that I'll $#%^& your @%&*& if you don't leave your &%@# name and #$!&% number at the %$&# sound of the &*@#% beep!"
JOHN McENROE: more...

Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Would Be Cooler if He Lived in the Star Wars Universe.
1. Due to high loss-of-hand rate, wearing one glove is fashionably acceptable.
2. Would not have needed huge effects budget for' Captain EO'.
3. In shocking revelation, he might have really been the father of Billie Jean's son.
4. Could really walk on moons.
5. After skin-altering disease, could become Light Lord of the Sith.
6. Could ease tensions between Empire and Alliance with anti-violence message of' Beat It'.
7. Imperial breath mask could give him the deep voice he never had.
8. Improved medical technology could make new nose and chin more realistic.
9. Would have sure-fire hit with Sy Snootles duet.
10. Would strengthen characterization of movies by making Luke look manly.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
People always ask me,' Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
The sixties were when hallucinogentic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.
Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we more...

' 'Heavyweight Chomp'' - Philadelphia Inquirer.
' 'Undisputed Chomp'' - USA TODAY.
' 'World Chomp'' - The Sun (London).
' 'Requiem for a Chompion'' - Philadelphia Daily News.
' 'Sucker Munch'' - The Sun (London).
' 'Biting Back: Evander has public's ear'' - Daily News, New York.
' 'Toss Tyson Out on Ear'' - Daily News, New York.
' 'Ear Flap'' - Newsday.
' 'Ears Have It! Evander Wins'' - Montgomery (Ala.) Advertiser.
' 'Tyson's Behavior Hard to Swallow'' - Providence Journal-Bulletin.
' 'Dracula'' - New York Post.
' 'Champ Chewing Over Legal Options'' - New York Post.
' 'It's Tyson's Nature to (Ch)eat'' - New York Post.
' 'For Tyson, Tooth Hurts'' - New York Post.
' 'Now Ear This: Rematch is Possible'' - New York Post.
' 'Lobe Blow for Boxing'' - The Tennessean.
' 'Iron Mike Goes Down Biting'' - The Sunday Oklahoman.
' 'Tyson Doesn't Gnaw What's Next'' - The Daily Oklahoman.
' 'Ear of Scorn'' - more...

More details coming out about Michael Jackson. It seems his 13-year-old accuser testified before a grand jury that Michael had seven locks on his bedroom door.

See, what happened was whenever Michael would install one lock, the kid would grow an inch taller, and he’d have to put in another one. .. and then another one. .. and then another one.
Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.
McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?
Colin Farrel was recently asked about prostitutes and he said, "It’s like ordering a pizza. ” Really? What restaurant is he going to? All I ever get is a pizza... I guess in some ways it is - when it’s delivered, it’s never quite as hot as you hoped it would be.
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also more...

Michael Jackson is so bad he could have been a Catholic priest.

Kanye'd Kan⋅ye'd - kən-yād v. 1. To rudely and untimely interrupt someone, then give them the floor again and expect everything to flow smoothly as if nothing ever happened. I was telling my girlfriend about my day when she kanye'd me and got upset because I could not remember where I was in my story when she told me to continue with my story.