Celebrity Jokes / Recent Jokes

Kanye West called Taylor Swift to apologize for sabotaging her acceptance speech at the VMA's.
Taylor Swift tried to accept his apology but Kanye West interrupted to say that Barack Obama had the best apology acceptance this year when he accepted the apology made by Joe Wilson.
In fact, Kanye added Barack Obama had the best acceptance of an apology ever.

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies
-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are more...

Comedians' Best Lines, 1997
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,' You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking,' I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
--Larry Miller

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
--Christopher Case

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres

"A more...

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers.
Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?"

Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.
"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?"

Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

If Britney Spears and Fat Bastard mated, the resulting child would be: Anna Nicole Smith. Sent by Marisa

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"

Q. Why were Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie fired from their "Simple Life" job at a banana company? A. They threw out all of the bent ones.