Certain Jokes / Recent Jokes

Some time ago, someone had posted an article saying how the existance of Santa Claus was impossible. I took this article and sent it to a number of friends on campus. Somehow, it got to one of the professors on campus by the name of Ted Davis. He wrote the following reply.

Dear Mr. Crowell:
The analysis you sent me about the death of Santa Claus, based on classical physics, is seriously flawed owing to its neglect of quantum phenomena that become significant in his particular case. As it happens, the terminal velocity of a reindeer in dry December air over the Northern Hemisphere (for example) is known with tremendous precision. The mass of Santa and his sleigh (since the number of children and their gifts is also known precisely, ahead of time, and the reindeer must weigh in minutes before the flight) is also known with tremendous precision. His direction of flight is, as you say, essentially east to west.
All of that, when taken together, means that the momentum more...

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully. I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us... 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:"These toys insured by Smith and more...

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise"
-Unknown
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
-Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
-Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead."
-Unknown
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-Fran Lebowitz
"I more...

Dear Santa,
We're worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your
legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world,
you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits
that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.
The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in
Barrington, Illinois. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have
"a clear-cut case of rosacea," a skin condition that also affects
millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to
examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a
well-circulated report that your "cheeks were like roses, (your)
nose like a cherry."
Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from
hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still,
rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and
overexertion... all things you may encounter this time more...

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:' 'These more...

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8
and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went
wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother
suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the
boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!"
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed,
but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the
mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he
sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at
each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and
asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all
around, but said more...

After taking a walk through my local mall I've noticed that certain people shouldn't be wearing certain things.
For instance, if your ass crack is bigger than the thong you are wearing you shouldn't be wearing low rise jeans to show it off. And if you can't even find your belly button don't even bother wearing a belly shirt.