Chance Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there`s a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear
1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight
1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats
1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg
in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French
fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which
aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and
a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is
teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese.
So one moose, 2 meese... One blouse, 2 blice? Doesn't it seem
crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb
through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a
bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what
do you call more...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After he gets his beer
he calls the bartender, and asks him if he's a gambling man.
"It depends," replies the bartender.
"What if I told that I have $100 that says I can bite my own
ear?"
"Bulls@#t!"
So the man takes out his false teeth, and clamps them onto his
ear.
The bartender was pretty P. O. d when he saw that, but he still
gave him the $100.
Then the man tells the bartender that it really wasn't fair of
him to make that bet, since the bartender didn't realize that he had
false teeth, so he offers the bartender a chance to win back his money.
He offers the bartender double or nothing that he can bite his own eye
without removing his false teeth.
"Sure," agrees the bartender, thinking to himself,' there's no
way anybody can bite their own eye.'
Then the man proceeds to remove his glass eye, and bites it.
The more...

Top Ten Good Things About Global Warming
10. Domino's Pizza will not be almost room temperature when it arrives.
9. No more snow for Giants fans to throw.
8. Outside chance the cast of "Friends" will spontaneously combust.
7. Boardrooms across America will begin to look like those naked pictures in National Geographic.
6. Ed Sullivan Theater will heat up to a balmy 34 degrees.
5. Fat guys can make their own gravy.
4. Canada will be able to use a whopping 9% of its landmass.
3. Real bacon will be sold on the streets of New York City (cut to vendor).
2. Can get to see what Michael Jackson really looks like when his face melts.
1. Higher temperature = more golf courses = greater chance O.J. will catch real killers.

One day laloo appeared on kbc(kaun banega crorepathy) with him he brought his entire family.
First question: one one?
Laloo thinking: uses all lifelines and answers three
Amitji: sorry laloo wrong jawaab
Groans from laloo`s family: give him one more chance give him one more chance
Amitji feeling sorry for distraught laloo, decides to give him another go
So he asks laloo: three two?
Lalloo answers: six
Amitji cannot believe it, but because laloo`s family begs for him to give laloo another chance, he does
Amitji: laloo last chance, three three?
Lalloo sweating answers six
Amitji is silent, suddenly there is a roar from laloo`s family: give him one more chance, give him one more chance…

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine. English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and more...

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what more...