Chance Jokes / Recent Jokes

Irving can? t seem to find the right girl, so his mother hires a matchmaker. The matchmaker tells him, ? I think I have the perfect girl for you. She? s descended from royalty, she? s a multi-millionaire, she has a Ph.D. in quantum mechanics, she? s a beauty contest winner, an Olympic athlete, and a world-class cook. She? s got a villa in Spain and a fleet of yachts. She? s also got the nicest personality of anyone you? ve ever met. But there? s one problem: she? s not Jewish.?
Irving says, ? My mother will never go for it.? The matchmaker says, ? Leave it to me.?
And so she starts going to work on the mother. At first, the mother says ? Absolutely not.? She refuses even to hear of it, and throws the matchmaker out of the house. Over many weeks, however, the matchmaker wears down her resistance. The matchmaker points out all the advantages that the match has for her son, and how unlikely it is that he will ever get another such opportunity. The matchmaker also points out, ? more...

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and more...

Q. Two Eggs Fall From The Table At The Same Time, One Broke But Another Did Not Why? A. By Chance

I figure you have the same chance of winning lottery whether you play or not.

There were some backwoods ignorant hillbilles living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and "whip Clarence butt". He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and "whip Clarence butt?" He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLARENCE 10 FT 3 IN."

This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realizes that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream.
By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: “Don’t worry, I am going to save you”.
The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his Red Porsche. He throws a rope from the Porsche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause).
So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru’ the jungle and hears the screaming of a more...

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!''
''No. You had your chance.''
A minute later the boy screamed ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?''
''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.''
''Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?''