Chance Jokes / Recent Jokes

One night a father sent his kid to bed.
Five minutes later the boy screamed,
''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!''
''No. You had your chance,'' said the father.
A minute later the boy screamed,
''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?''
''No. You had your chance.
The next time you ask, I'm going to come up there and give you a good spanking!'' said the Dad.
Two minutes later the boy screamed,
''Dad! When you come up to spank me
can you bring me a glass or water?''

There was a math contest and all of the audience were blondes. The contestant was brunette, but she was still stupid. The host say "
OK, its time for our 1st question. What is 5+2? "
Uhhhhhh....9?"
says the brunette. The audience says,"
GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!!"
"
OK, says the host, What is 3+3? "
Uhhhhhhhhhh...5? says the brunette. The audience says,"
GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
"
ok"
, says the host, "
this one is going to be easy. What is 1+1?"
"
Oh, that is easy! 2! says the brunette. Then the audience says, "
GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!

You only have one chance to make a first impression.

Husband - I must get rid of this driver he nearly missed killing me 6 times due to rash driving.
Beloved Wife - Not yet, give him One More Chance, Dear.

There is neither egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger There is neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren `t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, Boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don `t fing, grocers don `t groce, and hammers don `t ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn `t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese, so, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn `t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet more...

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

English is a Crazy Language From: Charlie IndelicatoLet's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplantnor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffinsweren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats arecandies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find thatquicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig isneither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don'tgroce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't theplural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that youcomb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunchof odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't more...