Change Jokes / Recent Jokes

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
Our present business is not to exchange compliments but arguments. - Robert Boyle, 17th century chemist
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
People do not change, they only become more so.
People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.
People specialize in their area of greatest weakness.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
People who are resistant to change cannot resist change for the worse.

How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? * That depends on whether it has health insurance. * None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery later. * None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary. * None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines. * Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in. * Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? * None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant. * Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now. How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb? * Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!! How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just give the dead more...

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
11 - 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it...
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
4, 1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..
How many men does it take to please a woman.
Impossible. Once a woman's done bitching about the men they're all asleep.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A women who won't do what she's told.
Why did the woman cross the road?
That's not the point, what's she doing out of the more...

Bad Attitude Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word. Those that weren`t were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird`s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft Israeli dance music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David`s extended arm and said, "I`m sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will go to synagogue with you every week to pray and I will more...

An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand.
Bentley's second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist!
Berta's Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. "The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist."
Definition: Policy Analyst is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist.
Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!"
Q: How has French revolution affected world economic more...

I found this in the salon where I get my hair cut. The owner says she
feels these rules are correctly stated.
THE RULES*
For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in
effect in every relationship.
The female always makes the rules.
These rules are subject to change at any time without prior
notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding
which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
If rule number six applies, the male must immediately apologize for
causing the misunderstanding.
The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
The male must never change his mind without express written consent of
the female.
The female has every right to be more...

Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month? Because it says right on the box "good for up to 20 pounds."