Cheap Jokes / Recent Jokes

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbour, began his testimony.
"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift." How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50." That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30." Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap." So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club. Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves. Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
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Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad. Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
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Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 5 channels. Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
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Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box. Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other more...

Edgar decided that an appropriate Christmas gift for his wife would be a bottle of perfume.. Nothing too expensive or overstated mind, just something simple and discrete.
So he went to a local store and located the cosmetics department.
"I would like to buy some perfume for my wife." he told the shop assistant.
"Certainly sir." she replied. "Do you have anything particular in mind?"
"Not really." he said "but nothing very expensive."
"I understand sir. Well, what about this one?"
"How much does it cost?"
"This one is sixty pounds sir
"That's too expensive for me." he replied immediately.
"Very well sir. How about this?"
"What's the price? he asked.
"Forty pounds sir."
"What else have you got?" he enquired.
"Well, there's this small bottle at twenty pounds."
"Look here." he more...

What did the little birdie say when he flew over Pic & Sav?
Cheap, cheap, cheap.

A considerable amount of strategic planning is required to ensure that maximum effect is gained from sending Christmas cards. Timing, size and quality are of paramount importance.
Sending Christmas cards too early is not only ineffective but can be humiliating for the sender. It reveals one's position, discloses the size and quality of card, exposing oneself to the possibility of a devastating counter-attack. On the other hand, a very late Christmas card runs the risk of negating the recipient's ability to respond, and reduces one's total card count.
It is certainly better to be on the early rather than late side, for the get-in-quick Christmas card sets the pace and compels the opposition to reply. It is a brave opponent who will respond with less than an equal-to or better-than card.
The next thing to understand is the value of size in Christmas cards. Important people, or at least people who think they are important, send big and important looking Christmas cards. more...

CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily:
(Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p. m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
(Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone’s ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p. m.
(Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
(Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don’t call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit. ”