Cheesecake Jokes / Recent Jokes

Diet for Stress How's your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.Breakfast:1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milkLunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookieMid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauceDinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers barsLate Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)Rules for this Diet1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda.3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.4. Food used for more...

BREAKFAST
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz glass skim milk
LUNCH
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie
MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
rest of the package of Oreo cookies
1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge
DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread
1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way candy bars
1 entire cheesecake
DIET TIPS
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar,
they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count
if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories.
These include any chocolate used for energy,
brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage
causes the calories to leak out.
6. If you eat food from someone more...

The Yo-Yo Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays
Rosh Hashanah - Feast
Tzom Gedalia - Fast
Yom Kippur - More fasting
Sukkot - Feast
Hashanah Rabbah - More feasting
Simchat Torah - Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan - No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on ourselves.
Hanukkah - Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet - Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat - Feast
Fast of Esther - Fast
Purim - Eat pastry
Passover - Do not eat pastry
Shavuot - Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz - Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av - Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes.)
Month of Elul - End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before the High Holidays arrive again.

THE FEMALE STRESS DIET
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:
Breakfast - I grapefruit, I slice whole-wheat toast, I cup of skim milk.
Lunch - Small portion of lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach, 1 cup of herbal tea, I Tim Tam.
Afternoon Tea - The rest of the packet of Tim Tams, I tub of Tip Top ice cream with chocolate topping, I jar of Nutella.
Dinner - 4 bottles of red wine, 2 loaves of garlic bread, I family size supreme pizza, 3 Snickers bars.
Late Night Snack - Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer.
Diet Rules
1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate is cancelled out by the diet Coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (For example: more...

You know them... those waiters/waitresses who turn obsequiousness into
a weapon, whose solicitous inquiries are perfectly timed to destroy
your jokes and intimate moments... something like this:
YOU:... so, finally, the third farmer turns to the bartender and
says, "Hey, that's not a duck, that's-"
[Waiter appears out of nowhere]
WAITER: How is everything? [beams smugly]
YOU: Fine. So he says, "Hey, that's not a duck, that's a-"
WAITER: Can I get you anything else to drink? [All the glasses are full]
YOU: No, no. Anyway, "That's not a duck, that's a-"
WAITER: [to your companion] And for you, madam?
HER: Hmm? Oh, let me see...
[You give up; the waiter returns to the kitchen triumphantly]
Later...
YOU:... and the doctor looked at the X-ray yesterday and told me
that if I didn't have the operation, eventually it would
get so big that they'd have to cut off my-
[Waiter materializes from thin more...