Cheesecake Jokes / Recent Jokes
Special Cheesecake
One of my co-workers decided it was time to shed some excess weight. She took her new diet so seriously that she even changed her driving route to avoid her favorite bakery. One morning, however, she arrived at work carrying a gigantic cheesecake. We all scolded her, but her smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special cheesecake," she explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious cheesecakes, let me have a parking spot directly in front of the bakery', and sure enough," she continued, "the ninth time around the block, there it was!"
One of my co-workers decided it was time to shed some excess weight. She took her new diet so seriously that she even changed her driving route to avoid her favorite bakery. One morning, however, she arrived at work carrying a gigantic cheesecake. We all scolded her, but her smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special cheesecake," she explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious cheesecakes, let me have a parking spot directly in front of the bakery', and sure enough," she continued, "the ninth time around the block, there it was!"
The following diet has been circulated at one of the local
clinics. Some may find it stimulating.
BREAKFAST:
---
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz skim milk
LUNCH:
--
4 oz lean Broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo Cookie
Herb tea
MID-AFTERNOON SNACK:
--
Rest of package of Oreos
1 qt. rocky road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge
DINNER:
--
2 loaves garlic bread
Large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
Large pitcher beer (any brand - it all comes from the same horse, anyway)
3 Milky Way bars
Entire Sara Lee cheesecake - direct from freezer.
DIET TIPS
If no one sees you eat it - it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar they cancel
each other out.
When eating with someone else, calories don't count if
you both eat the same amount.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts such as:
Hot Chocolate, Brandy, Toast and Sarah Lee more...
Diet for Stress How's your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milk
Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
Rules for this Diet
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do more...
The Yo-Yo Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays
Rosh Hashanah ---- Feast
Tzom Gedalia ----- Fast
Yom Kippur ------- More fasting
Sukkot ----------- Feast
Hoshanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah ---- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan - No feasts or fasts for a whole month.
Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah --------- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet --- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat ------ Feast
Fast of Esther --- Fast
Purim ------------ Eat pastry
Passover --------- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot ---------- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz --- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Nine days -------- Don't eat meat.
Might be OK to eat cheescake or blintzes.
Tish B'Av -------- Very strict fast
(don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul ---- End of cycle.
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit1 slice whole wheat toast8 oz. skim milkLunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast1 cup steamed spinach1 cup herb tea1 Oreo cookieMid-Afternoon Snack:The rest of Oreos in the package2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream1 jar hot fudge sauceDinner:2 loaves garlic bread4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza3 Snickers barsLate Evening News:Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)Rules for This DietIf you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.Movie-related foods do not have additional calories more...
A guy walks into the Microsoft Shop.
Guy: I'd like a cheesecake, please.
Receptionist: Sure.
The receptionist hands him a block of cheese.
Guy: Umm... This is just the cheese. Where's the cake?
Rec: You have to purchase that seperately.
Guy: What the -? What kind of product are you trying to sell me? Oh well.
Rec: Good. I knew you'd understand.
The Rec hands him the cake.
Guy: So... What do I do with the cheese and the cake?
Rec: You blend it.
Guy: With what?
The Rec hands him a blender.
The guy puts the cheese and the cake into the blender and blends it.
Guy: Now I have a bunch of liquid. What do I do with it?
Rec: Oh - you retard, you're supposed to exchange the cake for the batter first.
Guy: For the sake of Pete, what the -? Fine. Let's start over. So I get the cheese and I get the cake. Then I exchange the cake for the batter, right?
Rec: Yep.
The guy blends it.
Guy: Right... I'm still stuck with a load more...