Chemistry Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Chemistry Teacher's Coming to Town

You better not weigh
You better not heat
You better not react
I'm telling you now
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

He's collecting data
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out
The heat of melting ice
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

He sees you when you're decanting
He knows when you titrate
He knows when you are safe or not
So wear goggles for goodness sake.

Oh, you better not filter
And drink your filtrate
You better not be careless and spill your precipitate.
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

I'm Dreaming of a White Precipitate

I'm dreaming of a white precipitate
just like the ones I used to make
Where the colors are vivid
and the chemist is livid
to see impurities in the snow.

I'm dreaming of a white precipitate
with every chemistry test I write
May your equations be balanced and right
and may all your reactions be bright.

A chemistry teacher was attempting to teach his Grade 9 class a lesson about the evils of liquor. To do so, he produced an experiment involving a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now class, observe very closely," he said, as he put a worm into the water. The worm wiggled about in the water, about as happy as a worm in water could be.
He then placed the second worm in the glass of whiskey. The worm writhed painfully and sank to the bottom of the glass, as dead as a doornail.
"Now, could someone tell me what we can derive from this experiment?" he asked.
Billy, the class clown who sat at the back of the room, raised his hand and responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Silent Labs

Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Observations of colors and smells
Calculations and graph curves like bells
Memories of tests that have past
Oh, how long will chemistry last?

Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Lots of equations that need balancing
Gas pressure problems that make my head ring
Santa Chlorine's on his way
Oh, Please Santa bring me an' A'.

That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class, I'd sleep through it.
That I could change so much and barely realize it.
That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
That college kids throw airplanes too.
That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.
That every clock on campus shows a different time.
That if you were smart in high school, so what?
That I would go to a party the night before a final.
That Chem Labs/ Architecture studios take up more time than all my other classes put together.
That you can know everything and fail a test.
That you can know nothing and ace a test.
That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate.
That Home is a great place to visit, But I wouldn't want to live there.
That most of my education would be obtained outside of class.
That friendship is more than getting drunk together.
That I would be one of those people that more...

The Twelve Days of Chemistry

On the first day of chemistry
My teacher gave to me
A candle from Chem Study.

(second day) two asbestos pads
(third day) three little beakers
(fourth day) four work sheets
(fifth day) five golden moles
(sixth day) six flaming test tubes
(seventh day) seven unknown samples
(eighth day) eight homework problems
(ninth day) nine grams of salt
(tenth day) a ten page test
(eleventh day) eleven molecules
(twelfth day) a twelve point quiz.

That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class, I'd still sleep through it. That I could change so much and barely realize it That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways. No matter how 'cool' you were in high school, no one here cares. That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up. That every clock on campus shows a different time. That if you were smart in high school, so what? It doesn't matter here. That I would go to a party the night before a final. That Chem. Labs/Art studios take up more time than all my other classes put together. That you can know everything and fail a test. That you can know nothing and ace a test. That I could get used to almost anything found out about my roommate. That most of my education would be obtained outside of class. That friendship is more than getting drunk together. That I would be one of those people that my parents warned me about That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination. That more...