Chimney Jokes / Recent Jokes

Christmas Jokes - Christmas Humor
20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas, ” and “Go away Santa. ”
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way more...

Christmas Physics - The Physics of Christmas and Santa ClausAfter many careful hours of painstaking research, I have compiled the most expansive physics experiment ever performed on Santa Claus. I hope you can give me the due credit when you show off your cute article. After all, it is my life, my thesis, my reason for existence on this blessed earth. Well, here is my inquiry into Santa Claus.
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300, 000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3. 5 children per household, that’s 91. 8 million more...

Twas the night before Chirstmas
And all through the house
Everybody felt crappy
Even the mouse,
Mom at the whorehouse
And dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
For a nice piece of Ass,
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
To see what was the matter,
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big d***
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick,
He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
The sucker had fell,
He filled all our stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber d***
For my brother the queer,
He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son of B****
Blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed
As he road out of sight
Piss on you all
And have a Hell of a Night!

Hi, kids! Hope you all had a good weekend. I know we did up here at the
North Pole, because the first weekend in December is traditionally time
when we hold the Reindeer Games.

Which, not entirely coincidentally, brings us to today's letter from
Peter, from Chicago, who asks:

Dear Santa:

One of the saddest stories at Christmas is how Rudolph, the red-nosed
reindeer, wasn't allowed to join in all the reindeer games. Rudolph
became a hero, but we never actually found out what sort of games are
reindeer games. What kinds of games are they?"

Well, Peter, there are reindeer games, and then there are The Reindeer
Games. It's the difference between playing softball in the park with
your buddies, and participating in the Olympics. Anyone can play
reindeer games any time they want (even if you're not really a
reindeer). But it takes a special sort of deer to have the drive to be
in the more...

19 Ways To Annoy/Confuse Santa Claus
1.) Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2.) While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3.) Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4.) While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5.) Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6.) Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7.) Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8.) While he's in more...

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur
at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the
house") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein,
including, but not limited to, a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e. g., stocking, socks, etc., had been
affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or
belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus
(hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i. e. the children, of the aforementioned House
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i. e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery
treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar
plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter
referred to as more...

We're too late! It's already been here. Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.

Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls
decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

You really think someone's been here?

Someone, or something.

Mulder, over here -- it's a fruitcake.

Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

It's O. K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Who? What are you talking about?

Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

But that's more...