Chimney Jokes / Recent Jokes
1. Rather than milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note stating that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in your house, find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note saying you're away on holidays and asking if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in your house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas, then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes wild when he sees a little red cape, just wait until he sees that big, red, Santa suit.
6. Throw a surprise party for him when he comes down the chimney and refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
7. While he's still in your house, find his sleigh and sit in it. When he comes back out and sees you, tell him he never should have missed that last payment, and take off.
8. Leave a plate filled with freshly baked cookies and a glass of milk out, more...
Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note
explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a
speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the
holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact
replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get
them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes
crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that
big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs
that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus
called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf
of bread on his way more...
One time Santa Claus was out delivering presents on Christmas morning, when he came to the house of a beautiful young woman. He slid down the chimney, and there she was waiting for him in her best bathrobe.
"Merry Christmas, my dear," he said, "have you been a good girl all year?"
"I certainly have!" she replied. So he put all her presents under the tree and said "Well, see you next year!"
"But Santa," she said, "won't you stay with me for a little while?"
"That's very sweet of you dear," said Santa Clause, "but I've got a lot of present's to deliver and I really have to be going."
"But Santa," she said, "I've been waiting for you all year..."
"Oh no, no, no," said Santa Clause, "there's lot's to be done by morning, and what would Mrs.Clause say?"
"But Santa," she said slipping out of her robe, "just this more...
No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species
of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only
Santa has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But
since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist
children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according
to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per
household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good
child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time
zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which
seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that
for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a more...
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e. g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i. e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i. e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts more...
A older girl was waiting for santa to come.When he slid down the chimney and buiseid himself with work.Before he left she stood up and said "Oh santa Please dont go!" santa looked araound and said "Sorry miss but I have to." at this the girl took off her shirt and said "Santa please dont go." santa blinked but still wouldnt stay.She took off her pants.Still he said "I have to go." she took off her bra "Say you will stay santa!" he shook his head and turned to leave.At one last otempt she took of her underwear and said seductivly "Oh santa...Pleaseeee dont go!" santa turned around and his jaw droped."Ah well I guess ill stay...I cant go up the chimney with my cock this way!"
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300, 000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of
3. 5 children per household, that's
91. 8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to
822. 6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of more...