City Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two West Virginia lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills. She was attractive, but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.

One attorney said to the other, "Mary is so young and pretty she might be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys. Why don't we teach her what's right and what's wrong?"

"Great idea," said the partner. You teach her what's right."

1. Sex Education
"What did you have in school today?" a father asked his teenage son.
"Oh we had lectures on sex!" was the reply.
"Lectures on sex? What did they tell you?" asked the father aghast.
"Well, first there was a priest who told us why we shouldn't, Then a doctor told us how we shouldn't. Finally the principal gave us a talk on where we shouldn't."
2. The modern child
A man wanted to foster a love for music in his children so he bought them a piano.
When he got home he found them contemplating the piano in puzzlement. "How", they asked "do you plug it in?"
3. City boy in Village.
A little boy was in a village, away from the big city for the first time in his life. He was standing on the sidewalk when an old man drove up in a horse and cart and went into a shop. The boy kept gazing in wonder at the horse, an animal he had never seen in his life. When the old man came out more...

Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man "Don`t jump! Think of your father" Man replies "Haven`t got a father; I`m going to jump." The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven`t got one; going to jump." Desperate the cop yells up "Don`t jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin" Man replies "Who is that?" Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You`re blocking traffic!"

Once upon a time there was a man, he lived in the woods. The woods got cold in the winter, and burning up in the summer. But in the spring and fall it was just right.
He lived alone, so he was always bored. He sometimes read a book, drew, or just sat on the middle of his cabin floor staring at stuff, since he didn't have cable.
The man had never had sex either so he always wondered how to do it. He had had directions along time ago from his mom and dad, but he couldn't remember all of them.
The man finally figured out how to do it. The only problem was that he had no woman to screw, so he thought up a plan.
He was to go to the city. But the city was 100 miles away, he had no car, and he had never been there, so he had no idea what to do. All he knew was that he had to go east.
So the man went east and ended up in the middle of the city.
He went automaticlly to a hooker and said I'll pay you to give me sex, the woman said okay!
They got to a hotel room and more...

You Know You're in New York City When...
1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.
2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.
3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, "Ack. More damned aliens."
4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.
5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.
6. You pass a convenience store advertising "Free green cards, no questions asked."
7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.
8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabshonking their horns.
9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass bywithout anyone staring.
10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizen's car in front of you reads, "Warning: I more...

A young city gal from Chicago was driving through a remote part of Wyoming when her car broke down.
Fortunately, an Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. She gratefully accepted, climbed up behind him on the horse and off they rode.
The ride into town was uneventful except for the loud whoop the Indian would let out every few minutes, which echoed back from the surrounding hills.
When they finally arrived in the town, the Indian let her off at the local general store, yelled out one final "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What on earth did you do to get that Indian so excited?" the general store clerk asked.
"I didn't do anything," replied the young woman. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the clerk said, "Indians ride bareback!"

There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons.
The first one says "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City."
The second one says "My son has done better than that. He is the best Doctor in New York City."
The third one says "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends....One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the city."