Classified Jokes / Recent Jokes
CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily:
(Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p. m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
(Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p. m.
(Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
(Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."
A man inserted an' ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted."
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The new tax system is full of acronyms which makes it more difficult for the average taxpayer to grasp. The following is a simple succinct appreciation of the new system.
The new system is NUTS the New Universal Taxation System and although it may appear to be complicated, it is easy to understand.
Basically, it is STUFFT the Simplified Tax Unit For Financial Transactions.
Major elements of NUTS include a number for each business entity an Australian Business Utilisation Number (ABUN) which will be used during dealings with governments at all levels.
Every business in Australia will get ABUN with NUTS. The new system will simplify the way businesses report to the Australian Taxation Collection Head Office Organisation (ATCHOO) Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity Statement Table And Report Directive (BASTARD) every month.
Businesses should set aside at least three days every working week to fill the BASTARD more...
The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:Free Yorkshire Terrior.8 years-old. Hateful little dog.
Free Puppies:1/2 Cocker Spaniel1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog
Free Puppies:Part German ShepherdPart Stupid Dog
German Shepherd - 85lbs.Neutered. Speaks German. Free!
1 Man, 7 Women hot tub - $850/offer
Amana Washer $100.Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
Snow blower for sale.Only used on snowy days.
2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.
Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box, Comes with its own1988 Mustang, 5L, AutoExcellent Condition, $6,800.
83 Toyota Hunchback - $2,000
Star Wars Job of the Hut - $15
Soft & Genital Bath Tissuesor Facial Tischue - $.89
Full-Sized Mattress20 Year WarrantyLike New! Slight urine smell.
FREE 1 Can of Pork & BeansWith Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home
Nordic Track $300Hardly used. Call Chubbie.
Bill's Septic Cleaning"We Haul American Made more...
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it more...
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.No matter what your topcoat is more...
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often
more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find
in the cartoons and comic strips:
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the
family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken
or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table,
pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur
collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your more...