Classified Jokes / Recent Jokes

CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily:
(Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p. m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
(Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone’s ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p. m.
(Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
(Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don’t call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit. ”

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
Lawyer says client is not that guilty.
Ground beast: 99 cents lb.
Open house - body shapers toning salon - free coffee & donuts
Free puppies…part german shepherd, part dog
Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel - 1/2 sneaky neighbor dog
Free yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. unpleasant little dog.
German shephard. 85 lbs. neutered. speaks german. free.
Cute kitten for sale, 2 cents or best offer
Free: farm kittens. ready to eat.
Kittens 8 weeks old - seeking good christian home.

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
Whirlpool built in oven - frost free!
Frozen soft & gentle bath tissue - 4 rolls 99 cents
American flag - 60 stars - pole included - $100
Tired of working for only $9. 75 per hour? we offer profit sharing and flexible hours. starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
Notice: To person or persons who took the large pumpkin on highway 87 near southridge storage. Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vincinity are dead.
The most romantic love songs of the ’50s: including “16 tons” by tennessee ernie ford
Exercise equipment queen size mattress & box spring - $175.
Our sofa seats the whole mob - and it’s made of 100% italian leather.
Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer - $300.
Found: dirty white dog…looks like a rat…been out awhile… better be a reward.

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
For sale: lee majors (6 million dollar man) - $50
Nordic track $300 - hardly used - call chubbie at:
Bill’s septic cleaning - “we haul american made products”
Shakespeare’s pizza - free chopsticks
Hummels - largest selection ever - “if it’s in stock, we have it! ”
President’s choice - cow manure - 2 33lb bags - $5
Harrisburg postal employees gun club
Georgia peaches - california grown - 89 cents lb.
Nice parachute - never opened - used once - slightly stained

The classified ad said, "Wanted: CEO needs a one armed consultant, with a social sciences degree and five years of experience."

The man who won the job asked, "I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why' one armed'?"

The CEO answered, "I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase' on the other hand'."

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
Snow blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
2 wire mesh butchering gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
Tickle me elmo, still in box, comes with it’s own 1988 mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800
Tickle me elmo. new in box. hardly tickled. $700
Valentines day sale: ty-d-bol blue toss-ins
Star wars job of the hut - $15
Do something special for your valentine - have your septic tank pumped.
Full sized mattress. 20 yr warranty. like new. slight urine smell.
Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bth home.

These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day`s mistake...

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MONDAY: For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.

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TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in Vishanth`s ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 98407 16581 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."

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WEDNESDAY: Notice: Vishanth has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of t he error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale; Cheap. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.

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THURSDAY: Notice: I, Vishanth, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don`t call more...