Claus Jokes / Recent Jokes

St. Nicholas is the main Claus. His wife is a relative Claus. His children are dependent Clauses. Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Claus. As a group, they're all renoun Clauses. Santa's elves are subordinate Clauses.

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300, 000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3. 5 children per household, that's 91. 8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west more...

Is there a Santa Claus? The Rebuttal
(Jim Mantle, Waterloo Maple Software)
Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals, then it's only a small step to the rest! For example: As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. I would agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they might exist.
You've relied on cascading assumptions. For example, you have assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie nieghborhoods, have probably less than the average (and don't forget DINK and SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids)), while families with 748 starving children that they keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick my pocket would skew that 15% of homes down a few percent.
You've also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one good kid. What if anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have more more...

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty
years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn’t usually take requests from
adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, “OK, What do you
want for Christmas? ”
“Something for my mother, ” said the young lady.
“Something for your mother? Well, that’s very thoughtful of you! ” smiled Santa.
“What do you want me to bring her? ”
Without blinking she replied, “A son-in-law! ”

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers more...

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining
that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding
ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays.
Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas.
Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy
when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that
say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called
and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on
his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the more...

Food to leave out for Santa Claus On Christmas Eve, this is what I would
like you to leave out (not all of them but some): Barley sugar sweets for me
to suck on if I start to feel airsick. Also extra strong peppermints to keep me
warm on the frosty nights.
Cookies or biscuits with a glass of lemonade or milk.
Leave a hot jug of cocoa with a sifter of chocolate and cinnamon, and a bowl of
punch in case Santa feels like something stronger.
Chocolates! Yum! Yum!
For the reindeer, leave a bundle of sweet meadow hay, a bunch of reindeer moss
and a crisp red apple. Tah! Santa.