Clock Jokes / Recent Jokes

It seems that historical religious leaders (between moments of dispensing wisdom) had also learned software programming.
One day, a great contest was held to test their skills.
After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed.
The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.
The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out.
After a moment it came back on - just in time for the clock to indicate that the last competition was over.
The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said more...

A guy dies and goes to the gates to be tested. Since it was a slow day for St.Peter he decided to take the guy on a tour of heaven. St.Peter shows the guy the golf course, cafeteria, bathrooms, and so on. Then finally they were going to the last room. The guy goes in and sees a huge room of clocks. He asks St.Peter why there are so many clocks in the room. St.Peter tells the guy that the clocks show the life span of every person and once one runs out they die. The guy thought that made since. Then he saw that some were going faster than others and asked why. St.Peter said that when a person lies their clock speeds up. The guy thought that made since. Then as they were leaving the room the guy saw a clock that was going really fast, so fast you could hardly keep up with it. The guy asked St.Peter ''What's the story on that clock?''St.Peter replied''Oh, that, that's O.J. Simpson's clock we use it as a fan.''

Hillary had an accident and an early demise. Arriving at the Pearly Gates, she stomped up to the head of the line at St. Peter's desk. St. Peter politely informed her that down on Earth she may have had privileges, but up here she would have to wait her turn in line. While waiting, she noticed one wall covered with hundreds of thousands of clocks and she noticed that occasionally one would jump ahead by 15 minutes. She asked the person sitting next to her what this was all about. "Well, as I understand it, each of these clocks represents some man down on Earth. Each time he commits adultery, his time is advanced by 15 minutes." "Can you tell me which is my husband's clock?" Hillary asked St. Peter. "Oh, yes," St. Peter replied. "God has it in his office. He uses it as a fan."

The wife of a friend of ours purchased a rather large grandfather clock at an auction and then sent her unhappy husband to pay for it and carry the damn thing home.

To make matters worse, the husband had been to a formal dinner earlier in the evening and was still wearing his full dress suit. He was having some difficulty with the unwieldy mechanism even before he met the drunk staggering in the opposite direction.

They collided and the husband fell backward to the sidewalk, the clock on top of him.

"Why in blazes don't you watch where you're going!" the angry husband demanded.

The drunk shook his head dazedly, looked at the man in the full dress suit and at the grandfather clock that lay across him.

"Why don't you wear a wrish watch like everybody elsh?" he inquired.

Fly the Friendly Skies in your Cessna And who says our controllers don't have a sense of humor?
November 22, 1996 - Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."
November 15, 1996 - What the...?! PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA fortakeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
November 8, 1996 - Which Exit Did You Say That Was? A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too more...

Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys."
I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled."

A man dies and goes to heaven.
While St. Peter is giving him the tour of heaven they come to this room with clocks as far as the eye can see. the man asked St. Peter... "What are all of these clocks for"
..well St. Peter explains that every one on earth has a clock and each time you lie the clock moves up one second and you loose that off of your life. the man thought this was pretty kewl...
...then the question occured to him "does George W Bush have a clock?"
... well he does St. Peter replies but i dont have it to show you at this moment... you see Jesus has it in his office using it as a celing fan.