Clock Jokes / Recent Jokes
Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled."
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told the missus that I would be home by midnight... promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness even when smashed - to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why she said: "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said ' @$#%,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and giggled."
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home' til I've been laid!!"Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock... 12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself."What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty."Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told the missus that I would be home by midnight... I promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy and at around 3 am, full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times.
Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times and was really proud of myself for having the quick-wittedness, even when pissed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her midnight.
Whew, got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said,
'Well, at 3 am this morning, it cuckooed three times, paused, said bollocks, Cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, paused, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled for over three minutes.'
'I think it's stuffed, don't more...
One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today.It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong."What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked."Why, that's my talking clock," the man replied."How does it work?" asked one of his friends."Watch this," the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey !*#^$*@! It's 2 in the $&@!%&# morning!"
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter and asks, "What are those for?"St Peter answers, "Those are lie clocks. Everyone has one. Each time you lie, the hands on your clock move.""Oh," says the man, "Whose lie clock is that one?"
"That's Mother Teresa's," St Peter replies, "The hands never moved because she never told a lie.""Incredible," muses the man, "Whose is that one?""Abraham Lincoln's," St Peter says, "The hands only moved twice because he only told two lies in his entire life.""Wow, so what about George W Bush and Tony Blairs clocks?" The man asks."They're in Jesus' office," Says St Peter, "He's using them as ceiling fans."