Closed Jokes / Recent Jokes
Did you hear why they closed the Seattle Kingdom? While the crowd was doing the wave, two blondes drowned.
Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994
1. Introduction
The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.
2. Food
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...
A ten year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table, and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red' A' more...
Patient: Doctor I'm Feeling Very Sick! Doctor: Did You Follow The Instructions Given On The Bottle? Patient: Yes It Said,"Keep Tightly Closed."
TWO BLONDES WENT TO THE DRIVE-IN AND FROZE TO DEATH, THEY WENT TO SEE CLOSED FOR THE SEASON
What have a condom and a coffin got in common?
They both hold stiffs, but one is cumin and one is going!
When is a man most intelligent, before, after or during sex?
During sex, cuz he's plugged up to the knowledge source=:)
Sex is like math.
Add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don't multiply!
Sex is like a misdameanor, the more I miss it, da meaner I get.
How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
If she has to chew before she can swallow.
Two potatos are standing on a corner, how can you tell which one is a prostitute?
The one that says IDAHO!
How can you tell which is the head nurse?
She's the one with the dirty knees.
Have you noticed that more and more women are having their navels pierced?
That's because it's a handy place to hang the air freshener.
How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex?
Phone her!
What do you call a woman with two brain more...
A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card - unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her more...