Club Jokes / Recent Jokes

A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range. The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards. Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club (work with me here).
The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?"
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"
His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!"
"No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."
Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?"
His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps more...

21. You need a nap before the gig.
22. After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
23. During the breaks, you now go to the van to lay down.
24. You prefer a music stand with a light.
25. You don't recover from a Saturday night gig until Tuesday afternoon.
26. You hope the host's speech lasts forever.....
27. You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or cool factor.
28. Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the bar' cause they're younger than your daughter.
29. You can remember seven different club names for the same location. ..
30. You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days and could physically do it

A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.
The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast."
The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."

Everyone in the smart night club was amazed by the old gentleman, obviously pushing seventy, tossing off Manhattans and cavorting around the dance floor like a twenty year old. Finally, curiosity got the best of the cigarette girl.
"I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties unimpaired?"
The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not all, I'm afraid," he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a girlfriend-we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place about two A. M. We went to bed immediately and I was asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl.' Why George,' she said in surprise,' we did that just fifteen minutes ago.'
"So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to fail me."

For Christmas last year my wife gave me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity Internet Web team in college, I decided it was a good idea to try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. I thought y'all might enjoy my journal:
Day 1:
Started the morning at 5: 00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club, Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about 30-50 points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was more...

The Perfect Husband...

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only Rs. 1, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure,.. go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "Rs7, 00, 000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. .. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking
Rs. 11, 50, 000"

MAN: "Well, more...