Club Jokes / Recent Jokes
On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."
The woman cocks a snotty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).
A few minutes later, the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin:
"Madam, unfortunately, as more...
A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.
When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."
When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.
The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem...
How are we going to get more...
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club."Youll be driving later," replies the bartender.
An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening, "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend." "That sounds fine," she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, "Mind if I play along?" The exec. said, "Fine. Glad to have the company." All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle. "Whoa," he said. "That's a high powered rifle!" more...
At a local church in a town not so far away, a pastor was holding a couples seminar, in which people could join a club that met every week.
However, the only requirement to get in is that the couple has to restrain from sex for a month.
At the starting day the pastor only gets three couples to sign up; he tells those three couples about the no sex for a month rule, and they all agree.
ONE MONTH LATER...
The first couple walks into the church and says it was hard, but they made it.
The second couple walks in and says it was difficult, but they made it.
Then the third couple walks in and says well....
"What the pastor said, my wife bent over to pick up some salad and I had to nail her on the spot!"
The pastor, shocked and upset, says, "I'm sorry, but you can't be allowed into this couples club,"
Then the boyfriend said, "Eehhh, that's alright, we aren't allowed in Jewel either!"
One day, a man came home from work very anxious to tell his wife something. He tells her that his boss has premoted him to a higher placement in his company, and that his boss invited him and his wife to play golf in a few weeks. The wife replied that she didn't know how to play golf, so her husband signed her up for lessons. So the following week, she went to her first lesson. The insructor explained the way that she was supposed to stand and what position would be best for her. Then he tried to show her how to handle the club, it wasn't working out very well, so he told her to pretend that the club was her husband's manhood. At the end of the lesson the instructor said this, "Ma'am, you did very well for your first lesson, but next week let's try to keep the club out of your mouth."
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playinglike they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband hashis lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no,"youre gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like youd hold your wifes breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife cant wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, youre gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like youd hold your husbands penis." The wife listens carefully to the pros advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft. more...